October, 2015

When my eyes opened I had a strong sense that the day wouldn’t go as planned. My aunt and I had plans to visit Nokomis Beach, and maybe do some shopping. My feet were jolted awake by the cold tiled floor as I wandered out into her living room. My Aunt was bustling around in the kitchen to my right. “Good Morning” she said with her toothy smile. Her fingers moved around the breakfast she had been preparing for us. She had a large volume of nervous energy in her movements. I watched her. What I admire most about her is her sensitivity to the atmosphere of any room. Above all she has a firm willingness to maintain peace. As a believer, she flows smoothly along with holy spirit, and with the voice of God inside her. There is never a dull moment when she is around.

“It is raining” she said with a tone that I judged as worry. Confirmed by an apology she asked me what else I would like to do with my time. We quickly established a lunch date with another aunt. We sat together and ate breakfast. She served fruit; mangos, blueberries, and raspberries. Along with the delicious fruit she also served hot oatmeal and coffee.

Our conversation spilled out of us with ease as we shared our thoughts. She told me she wanted to do something called cranio-sacral massage on me. She then said “How about right now?” She then proceeded to ask me if I was able to calm myself, and recive quickly. “Yes” I said feeling certain and ready on the inside.

She set up a massage table and covered it with a sheet. Pulling the windows closed she directed me to lay down. I followed her directions. The bed felt firm and comfortable. My body responding with sudden anxiety started to tense. I took a deep breath and told myself I was safe. She put on some calming instrumental music. My body relaxed. She stared by placing her hands on my forehead. As soon as her long strong fingers touched me tears started to come out of my right eye. “I am crying” I said to her.

She respond kindly. “Its ok to cry.” “Renee, I want you to walk through your body.” “Allow yourself to feel”

Immediately, a vision of my heart laying in a large pair of gloved hands appeared. I could feel the fear wrapped around each beat. Taking a deep breath I felt as though there were bubbles in my heart and left lung. As I let go of the fear it became evident to me that I could breathe easier. I became aware of my sternum. I felt the pain from having it sawed open stored within my cells. I realized that my five year old body held on to the memory of my heart surgery. Despite my being under anesthetic, I believed my body was perfectly aware of what was going on. The body remembers.

As I continued to walk my mind through my body I heard a voice of a lady call out my name. “Renee! she said with an excited tone. I knew inside of myself that she was my nurse. I felt she loved me. I talked to my aunt and explained everything as it was happening to me. She was not surprised. Calmly she encouraged me to allow it to happen. I told her I felt I had an intravenous in my head. I felt that it was on my righty side close to my forehead. I reached up and touched the spot. I felt alone, and isolated. This was not alarming to me as I was born premature with congenital heart disease and would have spent considerable time in a neonatal intensive care unit.

As these small visions took place safety was being spoken into my memories and body. As her hands moved down my spine to my sacrum an even deeper pain started to emerge. It felt as though a large iron cup of pain pressed against my lips and began to pour itself deep down inside of my body. I started to weep. I saw a vision like a dream of my cervix being dilated by a large smooth surgical instrument. My cervix told me, as though it had a voice, that it tried to protect her. At that moment I knew my body tried to protect her against the invasion. I described it freely and openly to my aunt. The pain of it was more powerful than the shame. As the vision occurred she continued to utter short phrases regarding love and forgiveness over my being. As the healing poured over that part of me I started to see my uterus. I heard it speak the lie “I am not a safe place.” The sorrow stored within me was excruciating. It was body, soul, and mind consuming pain. I told my uterus I was sorry. The lie released from within me. Then I knew I was now ready to receive children. I was forgiven and became a safe place. I believed that this moment of healing had to occur or I would not be able to become pregnant in the future.

The visions came in waves. They came with full force and broke against me. My aunts hands moved over my hips. I felt the female part of me ache over the sexual sins of my past. It spoke to me of self hatred. I knew then that I had sinned against myself. I began to feel a deeper love and appreciation for the woman that I was. I asked my body for forgiveness and it gave it to me willingly. The pain subsided. The tears continued to flow. My aunt continued to speak to me about the past being behind me, and that I was more valuable than anything I had ever done.

She moved her hands back to my face. As she touched my ears I could feel them fill up with water. I felt frantic, afraid, and myself sinking into the deep end of a pool. A memory of almost drowning emerged from my mind. As I let go of the fear from that moment of struggle a voice inside me echoed the words “It is safe to swim again.” This fear has kept me bound to itself. My love and constant draw to water has not made sense with the amount of fear I have had towards it. The water drained from my ears. I started to ache and long to have my body submerged into cool waters. I wanted to swim.

The next vision was physically felt. I suddenly felt strong hands gripping my arms. I could tell that the people who grabbed me were not kind in their position towards me. I knew that they grabbed me when I was small. I felt young and vulnerable in this vision. I could tell that it was a great effort for my young self to let go. They had no right my body exclaimed. Over the years I have wondered why I become irrationally angry when someone grabs my arms. I realize now that everything we do is related to a causative agent. There is a moment in time that grips onto us, forms us, and creates a reason for every response. I could feel or sense something with my feet, but session had come to an end. I felt exhausted. My aunt helped me sit up from the table. I was a different person. Truly, I am forever changed by this encounter. It felt as though a rod of strength was pounded deeply through my body, and that I was made ready for the next chapter of my life.