I wonder if one day I will sit on the green grass and see my silver hair blowing loosely in my field of view.
I wonder if I will see the shadow of my youth resting deeply within the wrinkles and lines of my face in the mirror.
I wonder if I’ll be the elderly lady laying in a hospital bed watching the young nurse fumble through my pills. Maybe I’ll have a smile on my face and hope she spills them because who wants medication for breakfast with your rubbery saltless eggs.
I wonder, above all I hope, we will sit together in the golden light of the approaching years reminiscing about the times gone by. Our wrinkled hands holding electronic pictures of what once was while laughing about how our minds whirled from dirty diapers, our children’s many adventures, and the now pointless stressors of that day.
Despite all this wonder, a small part of my being thinks that I will never get there. It all feels distant as though I am on a mountain looking down at these possibilities. Some part of me senses something coming towards me like an inescapable wave rising into the sky.
A dream I once had comes to my mind. I was standing in a green field along a white fence. I felt my long hair blowing behind me with the hem of my dress moving in the wind. I was looking outward towards the colours of a summers day. I was surrounded by a vibrant palette of greens, blues and whites.
Then, suddenly, my world changed. An explosion of deep white light erupted in front of me Shattering my peace, and lighting the sky on fire. A flicker of thought was all the time I had left. I reached out towards heaven asking The Father to save me before the inevitable.
Then nothing. I woke up.
I can’t grasp the moment I am in hard enough. It escapes me. I try to absorb the “I love you Mommy”s and the hugs given to me from small little arms. It is as though my life is as short as that flicker of thought before the light comes.
My heart is moved by the value I see in everyday life. The taste of an egg with salt. The sound of fresh coffee being poured into my husbands cup in the morning. The little tap from the hands of my childrens fingers on my face as they whisper “Mommy, let’s wake up.”
My husband asked me once what is it that we have that God doesn’t? I didn’t know. I was sure that there couldn’t possibly be anything that He didn’t have.
His answer sticks with me. It has given me more value to the parts of life that have caused my heart to ache, or the parts of me that I have tried desperately to change.
“We have limitations” he said.
We have vulnerability to the very air we breath. There is a beginning and an end to us all. God had to create his own limitations by moving himself into one of us in the being of Jesus. He made himself human. he took on limits, and vulnerabilities, and embraced them all.
These qualities may seem to make us worthless, but to Him we are treasures. Like comets in the sky of life we soar through the heavens. We are a colourful, sought after, streaks of light that the celestials strive to see. Yet, we see our vulnerability as a flaw. We strive throughout our lives to change ourselves, to become strong and to live longer.
Instead, I say we should embrace our humanity. Mourn over our frailty, and allow the joy from knowing help us embrace every moment of our lives. To love sleep less and wake up more. To let the sunshine on our face and have a mind filled with a deeper sense of purpose. May we allow the value of things to open our eyes.