The Weight of time
As our bodies grow old and change I believe our spirits evolve into something bigger. My husband’s grandfather was an influential man. His soul was much bigger than his body. He took up space in a room and had so much spiritual weight. No one could have known him for any amount of time without feeling the affect of his influence.
With his recent passing, heavens gain has gripped us painfully. My husbands Grandfather has taken that celestial trip into the stars. He has made it on time for that special appointment with God, and has taken his place in our history. Despite the hardship of this loss there is also a sense of joy. This comes from the hope of heaven and the beautiful thought that he is now dancing there with his predeceased wife. The day after his passing was their wedding anniversary. This fact has brought this image to all our minds, and tears to all our eyes. In my mind I have imagined a moment where two young lovers laughed together about growing old. Maybe they made a promise to each other to dance together on that very date in the future. Maybe heaven granted their young hearts wish.
My husband has a photo album from this very Grandmother. It is thoughtfully compiled full of news paper cuttings, hand outs, and pictures from his beginning until now. With all the slide show preparation for the funeral I was led to sit down at our kitchen table, and to take a closer look at the album. As I did so, it felt as though heaven’s very own heart reached out to me. It whispered to my soul “Take a look at how precious my children are.” I was reminded once again how fast time moves by us, and was given a miniscule glimpse into how God must see us. In pictures we seem so fragile, and our lives so fleeting. I imagine it is like this for God who is watching us from the outside. Our lives rest in his expansive hands like that photo album rests in my own. His compassion runs deep from continually being able to see the big picture.
As I turned the pages moments captured in small pieces of paper showed a time before some of us were even born. I found in glimpses of the past a well of deep treasure. Grandparents once young and ambitious smiled over little babies. With a flip of a page, in a matter of minutes, the faces changed and it broke my heart. The young became old, the babies became adults, and new children were born. Some faces stayed only for a short time. Pictures of young couples transformed into pictures of well established families. Children became parents, and parents became grandparents.
I cried over it all. I cried over watching the still pictures of my husband change into the man I see today. I mourned the loss of a little boy and laughed joyfully over the birth of a great man. I cried over his young face which reflected each of the faces of our children. I cried out of loss and I cried out of thankfulness for the blessing to be apart of such a family. Now my face is weaved into this storey line, and I too will change with every flip of the page. As I sat there alone I felt the weight of time pressing against me. I am now apart of that creating. I am now the parent with small children and time is going by so fast. I am going to blink and suddenly they will be parents while I am the Grandparent. God in his glory holds the photo album of my life and rapidly it is unfolding a story.
Above all, I cried because heaven awaits. This fact touches my heart. It shakes my soul. It causes me to pause and be still. At times it seems confusing to me that we are able to live as though it does not await us. We distract ourselves from the truth of it all. We weigh ourselves down by allowing our to do lists, work and the cares of life to change and swallow up our child like natures. It is as though a daily monster attempts to steal away the seeds of our childish joy. Amongst the delusion of living forever, we are bogged down and our light dims. We lose sight of that distant playground in heaven and that Jesus merciful sacrifice has covered us all. With each flip of the page we all get older and more embedded into our own history.
The weight of time is ever upon us, like gravity. We never stop to know it is there until someone falls, or time ends in some way. Now is a time to reflect on heaven and the outcome of our humanity. We are mortal and our time ends. This photo album journey has created in me a deep sense of wonder, and it has caused me to pay attention. Although a pillar has fallen, the whole house does not have to fall. In fact it has just become more sturdy.